How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
