You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
