TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize