gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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