just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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