you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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