i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
