what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
