I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
