I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
