hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This is classic penis vs brain.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
