my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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