he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I lost the right to judge tonight
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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