I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
