DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
