I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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