i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize