I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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