TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
