If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
