I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
