She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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