I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
