No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize