I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
