I accidentally burped into my bong.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
