I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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