I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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