Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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