I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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