did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
