When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize