Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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