I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
