When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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