So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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