i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
