I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
