I cannot find my penis.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
