I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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