I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
