how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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