My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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