Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
