If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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