Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sext me about skeletons
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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