I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
