You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
