Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
