it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize