from now on my penis is your penis
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
