Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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