He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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