it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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