I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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