his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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