how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
