Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
