I'm gonna have a badass scar
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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