well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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