Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
