Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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