I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
