It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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