apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize