my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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