Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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