when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
