I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize