I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
